Workshop: Whitney's "Bambina"

Story Arc: The main character, Sophie, and her sister, Jordyn, are trying to gather as much money as they can in order to help out their parents with financial struggles. While pretending to be homeless, Sophie meets a nice restaurant owner who gives her food and protects her when she is almost kidnapped. Ultimately, Sophie learns from her parents that they will always take care of her, and Sophie now realizes she needs to be her own person and not be so influenced by her older sister. 
Compliments: I found this story to be fresh and unpredictable - I don't feel like I've read the exact story before! The characterization of Sophie, Jordyn, and Matteo is clear (could use more physical description) and I get a good sense of who these people are and what they care about. The setting as well is well described, you don't go into extended description, but I have a good mental picture for each scene. The dialogue was natural and realistic (only minor punctuation changes need to be made). Overall, there are good details that have the story more depth and characterization - I particularly enjoyed the comment Sophie makes about how she had never been called the "B" word before, it's funny that se thinks of that considering the frightful situation she's in, while also aging up her innocence. 
Revisions: Besides minor punctuation corrections, the main revision suggestion I have is to really think about the profession of time throughout the story. Sometimes I would feel thrown, as a reader, by a sudden change in setting or action that, to me, didn't have any lead up to it. Such as when Sophie goes behind the restaurant to go through the trash - she just seemed to jump from the curbside to being back there, and I think that presents a great opportunity for description - how does she feel about having to eat from the trash? Does it smell gross? Etc. I felt another sudden section was when the creepy man tried to kidnap her off the side of the road, he just sort of appeared - does Sophie really not notice him until he's standing in front of her? What does he look like? (Besides green eyes) - and then the scene again jumps from the road to being in the restaurant - describe him chasing her, describe her panic, further describe Matteo's and the creep's interaction, make sure there is an accurate time gap between this exchange and the police arriving - this will just add so much depth to the great stuff you have now!!

Overall, this is a captivating short story that I really enjoyed reading! Great work, Whitney! 

1-900: Richard Bausch

       This short story was interesting both content wise and stylistically.  The concept of a man calling a phone sex line but only wanting to have a real conversation was actually somewhat predictable  to me, just because I've seen it before, but it was the voice of John's character that made it more interesting.  His thoughts jumped around and were sometimes almost nonsensical, and his general interaction with Marilyn/Sharon was just strange - which kept me reading.  However, towards the middle-end of the piece the dialogue just seemed drawn out, repetitive, and unnecessary because it was no longer adding to characterization and was just rambling. 

     I'm not really sure how I feel about Bausch's choice to not use any quotation marks.  Maybe the piece would have looked too "junked up" with them, considering it's all dialogue, but I don't think they would have distracted from the rhythm of the dialogue.  Also, at some points I had to re-read parts to make clear who was speaking, and I just hate when I'm pulled out of the narrative like that when I'm reading something. 

    Overall, I enjoyed the characterization, topic, and situation presented in this short story, and I think it'd be interesting to try writing a piece in all dialogue like this one!

A Short-Short: TV

                                                            Crunch.

I sat at the kitchen counter mindlessly chewing my Fruit Loops, staring at the TV across the room.   On the screen, a pretty woman holding a microphone was standing next to a balding, less-than-attractive man with a scarf wrapped around his face.  Have…listened…band…performance…?  The crunching of my cereal interrupted the woman’s question.  The balding man must have said something funny in reply for the woman tossed her long curls back with a laugh, but between the scarf covering his mouth and my chewing, I would never know what.  The top of his head was glowing red with the cold.  Shouldn’t he be wearing a hat rather than a scarf?  I kept eating my Fruit Loops.  Crunch.

                I examined the rainbow colored rings floating in the now slightly green colored milk, watching them swirl and change course with every movement of my spoon.  Knocking into each other like bumper cars.  I felt a presence step in front of me and I slowly raised my gaze, putting another spoonful into my mouth.  My mother stood with her arms crossed and a raised eyebrow.  She opened her mouth to speak and I started chewing. 

                “Do…time…today…you…can’t…late!...hear…talking…me?”  I stared at the freckle on her collarbone and crunched crunched crunched as she yelled.  She slapped the countertop with her palm to get my attention.  I stared at the freckle, pushed my hair back behind my ear, and took another bite of cereal.  Crunch.  She stood there looking at me for a few seconds before walking away, knowing it was pointless. 

                The screen had changed to a young man pointing at a map of the country and its current weather conditions.  I could see sweat stains when he raised his arms to demonstrate a wind pattern.  But this one had all his hair.  I raised another spoonful to my mouth.  Crunch. 

Television: Lydia Davis

        The success of Lydia Davis's short short story, Television, definitely lies in her ability to relate to her audience.  I was surprised to find the details mentioned - watching TV until you feel like you can sleep, becoming emotionally invested in people you don't even know, etc. - described my relationship with TV exactly, and I can only assume that many other readers share this common relationship.  What really makes this short story powerful to the reader, if anyone had a similar reaction to mine, was that I was slightly appalled at myself once I realized just how much TV impacts my emotions and how much it's involved in my everyday routine.  And I think that was probably Davis's intention - to make the reader aware of their somewhat ridiculous attachment to something that isn't even real. 

      I felt this short story was also really strong and effective stylistically.  Numbering the three sections was an interesting way to divide the piece, especially because without the numbers I wouldn't necessarily notice a distinct difference between each section.  I personally would be interested in writing a piece using that kind of stylistic effect - incorporating lists or numbered sections to mix things up with some post-modernism.  Beyond the numbering, Davis uses a lot of short, sometimes one-sentence, paragraphs that get the point across in a more direct, powerful way than if they were all strung together.  I enjoy writing in short direct sentences myself because I feel it really adds a distinct tone to a piece.  

      Ultimately, Davis successfully relates to her audience through a topic focusing on a common aspect of household life and revealing just how much TVs effect our lives, while also employing interesting and effective  stylistic elements.