Workshop: Kylie's "Love Harder"

Story Arc: Nicole is a business woman/Federal Agent who is struggling to balance her career and her family.  She finds herself stranded in an airport due to weather around Thanksgiving. While she is stranded, she meets several characters that end up making her examine her life, choices, and priorities - leading her to realize her family is the most important thing.

Compliments:  I enjoyed that this story presented the reader with a pressing problem - the storm - but that the character change was not directly related to the storm, it was Nicole having a realization about another problem in her life - the struggle to balance her life. The characterization is really strong, you definitely get a sense of who this woman is and what she notices and cares about. The interactions with other characters were pretty believable and interesting, adding a lot of depth to the piece in general.  I also really liked the detailed descriptions, especially of the storm. Also, the tone in of the piece overall is really consistent and fits with the characterization of Nicole's character.

Revisions: The concept of being stranded at the airport because of weather during the holiday season is not super original, and therefore doesn't quite do enough for me tension-wise.  I think the idea of a character being 'forced' into a self-realization via the influence of others like this could easily be done in another ramped-up setting - or maybe something else could happen at the airport to make the situation more tense, like the power going out and her cell phone dying? I also want to know more about her relationship with her family, with more specific details and example interactions. And why does she find herself so sucked into her work that it has hurt her relationship with her family (besides the commuting)? 

Such a well-written start! 

Workshop: Katie's "Moving On"

Story Arc:  Olivia experiences a horrible breakup when she is left at the altar and is completely devastated. Her friends then do whatever they can to help her, and set her up on a date with a man named Turner.  Olivia and Turner really hit it off and ultimately end up engaged.

Compliments: I thought Olivia's characterization was pretty strong, I like being inside her head and all her 'dos and don'ts' while on her first date with Turner, which made her a character I could relate to.  I also felt like Olivia's interactions with Turner were pretty realistic and natural.  The emotional pain of a breakup and how it affects someone comes across really well and clear, and doesn't feel forced or over dramatic.

Revisions: Mainly, I just want to see and know more.  There's a lot of build up to this date with Turner, but then there seemed to be a lacking of details and a lot of summary when they were actually on the date.  I want to know what makes this guy so great and unique, besides them being compatible. Are they compatible in weird, obscure ways, or in every way? I want to know why she was left at the altar - was it something she did or was the guy just a scared jerk? Also, there are moments of good description, but we never see a solid description of Olivia or Turner. Just little details about what she's wearing, or how his hair falls, would add some more imagery and depth to the piece. Ultimately, as much as the happy ending warmed my heart, it just seemed too easy for Olivia and Turner and more tension, if even just a little (like a misunderstanding), would make this piece more interesting.

A good start to something that could be great!

Workshop: Sky's "Logged Into Love"

Story Arc:  Brandon is a gamer who is dating a fellow gamer, Sebastian, via the Internet.  Brandon has lost touch with Sebastian for about a week, and all her friends and family keep telling her that he has moved on and that she shouldn't be dating someone over the Internet anyway.  Finally, Sebastian gets in touch with Brandon and it's all been a big misunderstanding - ultimately, they are still in love and have a happy anniversary over the phone. 
Compliments: Your attention to detail was really great - especially because you chose to highlight a lot of interesting details, like, "a hint of fruit from my sister taking her shower." I liked your use of the online chat in your prose, it mixed it up a bit and allowed for some extra characterization through the usernames. I definitely thought Brandon's emotions were very realistic - teenage/young adult girls totally freak out over lost communication like this and start having irrational thoughts! Overall, I felt like the dialogue was pretty realistic.
Revisions: While I love the online chatting that's incorporated, I think it needs to be more off-set from the rest of the text. Like, bold the usernames, put the conversation in a different font, indent more - something to make it really stand out as something different from normal dialogue.  Mainly, I want to know more about this Brandon girl - is she a stereotypical gamer girl? Is she a girl you would never expect to have an online relationship? Why does she feel so compelled to have an online relationship, opposed to one in real-life/in person? Also, I'm not sure I see how Brandon's character changed - was it that she learned to have faith in people? To not listen to the opinions of others more than her own? Both? 

Overall, well done!

Aimee Bender's "Off"

       Bender does a really great job with the characterization of the speaker in this short story. The reader can really get a sense of who this woman is, despite the lack of personal background information given.  The first person point of view pulls the reader into her confusing and erratic psyche, emphasized by the rambling, stream of consciousness writing style.  We have no idea why she wants/needs to kiss three specific men at this party, and we really have no idea why she does most of the things she does in this story, but we can infer what kind of woman she is based on the details provided.  She mentions being known as a trust fund kid and notices superficial details while at the party, so we get a sense she's generally a materialistic kind of person.  The voice of this woman is often sarcastic, like when she says, "I stand alone because I plan on making all these women jealous, reminding them how incredible it is to be single" (108) - obviously she is a lonely, attention-seeking sort of person if she is setting a kissing goal at a party, and doesn't really see being single as incredible.  This sarcasm makes me curious about this character - why does she seemingly poke fun at herself? 
     I found this point of view and the stream of consciousness style to be really compelling and something I would want to (and already enjoy) using in my writing.  I think it's a great way to reveal who a character is by making the reader figure it out through the character's thoughts.  It also allows for an author to make their character take a different approach on a common situation, keeping it interesting and fresh.  I also like that we never learn this woman's name - despite the whole story being intimately in this woman's point of view, we never actually know who she is, and that opposition/paradox/juxtaposition is pretty striking.   
      Ultimately, I enjoyed seeing this snippet of this woman's life! 

T.C. Boyle's "The Love of My Life"

      This short-story really exhibits a good way to address social/political issues without 'preaching' to the readers.  T.C. Boyle addresses the hypocrisy of today's modern society: people look down on those who get pregnant/have children while they are young and in school, yet they do not prevent themselves from getting into the same reckless or careless situation. Boyle goes on to address the issue of abortion, abandonment, and murder - examining whether or not the law should be involved in such personal issues - and just looking at extreme situations that people get themselves into. Also, it seems like Boyle might be using China's name and her abandonment of her newborn baby to commentate on China's (the country) laws on population control. Overall, I felt like Boyle examined these issues tastefully so that I never felt like I was being preached at and being told a 'right' point of view to believe in. Instead I was interested in the story and was provoked to think about these things, but on my own terms. And this is something I would like to do in my writing, because making a reader think about what they believe about a certain issue adds an extra dynamic and depth to whatever story is being told. 

Workshop: Chris's "Shit Show"

Story Arc: The speaker eats dinner at Moe's and soon gets a bad rumbling in the tummy. Once home, the speaker finds he has no toilet paper or running water, and on top of that chic-fil-a is closed and offers no relief. He then resorts to calling his mother to get the utilities turned back on, ultimately finding he had toilet paper all along. 
Compliments: You have a great talent at putting clever humor on the page! This story honestly sounds like the way you speak, which I think is a really great thing! While the humor was 'gross' in topic, it was smart and sharp and original. I also felt like this speaker was really realistic (probably because your voice came through really naturally), and I felt like the situation was realistic for the reader. I liked that your 'pressing problem' wasn't as dramatic as death and rape, yet still a pretty big problem. Overall, I found this piece truly original, and that's enjoyable to a reader.
Revisions: There are a few grammatical errors with dialogue, but those are easy to fix. I felt like the dialogue between the speaker and his mother was pretty realistic, but could flow a little more naturally? I don't really have a good suggestion for that, though.  Also, this piece could use more setting details - I can picture this pretty easily because I assume you're talking about Auburn, but for readers who don't know this or know Auburn will need more setting description. Beyond setting, the reader might get lost in the time placement of all the action. How long does it take him to get from Moe's to his apartment? How long does it take him to get to chic-fil-a? Etc. Overall, just be aware that the subject of this story will not appeal to a universal audience. I myself really don't enjoy gross humor- but you did it cleverly/tastefully enough that I still enjoyed this story, however that still might put off other readers. Just something to keep in mind! 
     Great job! You have a really strong sense of humor and voice!

Workshop: Morgan's "Secrets of Cooking"

Story Arc: Emma and her husband, Tim, are getting ready for a his parents to come over for dinner and Emma's freaking out a little bit. The in laws arrive and they all have dinner, and everyone gets along. After dinner, in the kitchen, Caroline (the mother inlaw) praises Emma's cooking and reveals that she herself can't actually cook like everyone thought! 

Compliments: I really enjoyed the relationship shown between Emma and Tim! They seemed realistic together - Emma shouting at him to lint roll everything and him being like really? -  that and other little moments are really telling of their dynamic. You also had a good sense of humor throughout, nothing too cheesy but still got the character's personality to show through. 

Revisions: Be careful of 'movie dialogue'- I liked your dialogue because I thought it characterized Emma well, but I think the overall tone and word choice of the interactions between the characters are a little movie-like and not totally realistic, mainly between Emma and Caroline. There are some grammatical errors - quotation punctuation, comma errors, contractions - simple things to be changed. Overall, I would have liked to see this pressing problem of impressing the mother-in-law to be more pressing. Emma and Caroline seem to have a good relationship, no obvious tension or bitterness or anything like that, and I think there should be a true reason for wanting to impress her, besides her being her mother-in-law. However, be careful not to make this relationship too cliche - everyone's seen Monster In-Law, everyone's heard stories of mother in- laws not liking their daughter in-laws - so keep it unique! 

     Overall, this is a cute story and a great start! 

Workshop: Meryl's "He Loves Me"

Story Arc:  Amy has a strange relationship with a guy at school and is always getting into an argument with her friend, Sam, over this guy.  Amy struggles with alcohol abuse and reveals that she is pregnant, and after encouragement by Sam, she goes to see a counselor and it is revealed that she was raped by this previously mentioned guy.  Amy ends up getting in a car accident and seemingly dies. 

Compliments:  The story hooked me from the beginning and kept me interested throughout, I was always guessing and wondering where the story was going!  I felt like the dialogue and internal thoughts were pretty realistic and I could hear the tone you were trying to convey.  I also enjoyed the specific details you put in, like the Tarantino’s movies and the comment about needing to recycle.  I felt like Amy’s voice and characterization was pretty strong and clear, while still keeping some mystery as to what is happening to her. 

Revisions:  I feel like this piece would be stronger if it focused on less topics – either on rape+pregnancy, rape+alcoholism, pregnancy+car accident, or alcoholism+car accident – and develop them further.  I felt like the car accident came really suddenly and was an unnecessary and dramatic ending.  I wished to see more of the relationship with her friend, Sam, through interactions other than vague arguments.  I feel like this could show the characterization of Amy even more.  I also would like to see more interaction and dialogue between Amy and the guy/her rapist – the dialogue we see doesn’t really show the tension that would be expected between the two of him.  I just feel like all the scenes could be improved through development - more about her time stalking him in front of his house.  Also, there are some ‘formatting’ issues that need to be fixed, like removing some of the unnecessary dialogue tags and removing all the direct addresses from the dialogue.  

Workshop: Angie's "A Blessing in Disguise"

Story Arc: Amanda is ill and has to go to the hospital all the time over a couple years because the doctor doesn't know what’s wrong with her.  Her friends and boyfriend are really supportive and make sure she celebrates her birthdays in the hospital.  Her boyfriend proposes and even though Amanda is hesitant, once Jacob offers to be the kidney donor she needs, she accepts his proposal.

Compliments:  I enjoyed the overall story – the proposal and kidney donation by the boyfriend is super cute and I liked the fact that Jacob’s and Amanda’s relationship was so strong.  I was almost relieved to see that the illness was to main conflict, and not something tragic with their relationship, because sometimes it’s just nice to read about a happy, supportive couple!  I felt like Amanda’s character had some good moments of voice, like when she states, “So now they are going to send me off to have more tests done.  Wonderful.” (3).  That “Wonderful.” really shows this character’s voice in that the audience can recognize the tone as soon as they read it.  Also, good job with your dialogue tags, or rather lack thereof.  The dialogue works well without the dialogue tags and remains clear as to who is speaking.

Revisions:  I felt like the overall tone and structure of this story needs to mature.  A lot of clichés and dead metaphors are present, which brings the piece down.  There are some grammatical/formatting errors that can be easily fixed – indentation for dialogue, comma errors, etc.  Also, I’m not so sure if I like the ambiguity of the fact that we never find out what’s actually wrong with her.  We know she needs a new kidney – but why?  Overall, I feel like this piece would be a lot stronger with more description and specific details.  What do these characters look like physically?  Instead of just talking about the temporary break-up, show us a scene from that time.