Story Arc: The main character, Sophie, and her sister, Jordyn, are trying to gather as much money as they can in order to help out their parents with financial struggles. While pretending to be homeless, Sophie meets a nice restaurant owner who gives her food and protects her when she is almost kidnapped. Ultimately, Sophie learns from her parents that they will always take care of her, and Sophie now realizes she needs to be her own person and not be so influenced by her older sister.
Compliments: I found this story to be fresh and unpredictable - I don't feel like I've read the exact story before! The characterization of Sophie, Jordyn, and Matteo is clear (could use more physical description) and I get a good sense of who these people are and what they care about. The setting as well is well described, you don't go into extended description, but I have a good mental picture for each scene. The dialogue was natural and realistic (only minor punctuation changes need to be made). Overall, there are good details that have the story more depth and characterization - I particularly enjoyed the comment Sophie makes about how she had never been called the "B" word before, it's funny that se thinks of that considering the frightful situation she's in, while also aging up her innocence.
Revisions: Besides minor punctuation corrections, the main revision suggestion I have is to really think about the profession of time throughout the story. Sometimes I would feel thrown, as a reader, by a sudden change in setting or action that, to me, didn't have any lead up to it. Such as when Sophie goes behind the restaurant to go through the trash - she just seemed to jump from the curbside to being back there, and I think that presents a great opportunity for description - how does she feel about having to eat from the trash? Does it smell gross? Etc. I felt another sudden section was when the creepy man tried to kidnap her off the side of the road, he just sort of appeared - does Sophie really not notice him until he's standing in front of her? What does he look like? (Besides green eyes) - and then the scene again jumps from the road to being in the restaurant - describe him chasing her, describe her panic, further describe Matteo's and the creep's interaction, make sure there is an accurate time gap between this exchange and the police arriving - this will just add so much depth to the great stuff you have now!!
Overall, this is a captivating short story that I really enjoyed reading! Great work, Whitney!
No comments:
Post a Comment