Story Arc: Amanda is ill and has to go to the hospital all
the time over a couple years because the doctor doesn't know what’s wrong with
her. Her friends and boyfriend are
really supportive and make sure she celebrates her birthdays in the
hospital. Her boyfriend proposes and
even though Amanda is hesitant, once Jacob offers to be the kidney donor she
needs, she accepts his proposal.
Compliments: I
enjoyed the overall story – the proposal and kidney donation by the boyfriend is
super cute and I liked the fact that Jacob’s and Amanda’s relationship was so
strong. I was almost relieved to see
that the illness was to main conflict, and not something tragic with their
relationship, because sometimes it’s just nice to read about a happy,
supportive couple! I felt like Amanda’s
character had some good moments of voice, like when she states, “So now they
are going to send me off to have more tests done. Wonderful.” (3). That “Wonderful.” really shows this character’s
voice in that the audience can recognize the tone as soon as they read it. Also, good job with your dialogue tags, or
rather lack thereof. The dialogue works
well without the dialogue tags and remains clear as to who is speaking.
Revisions: I felt
like the overall tone and structure of this story needs to mature. A lot of clichés and dead metaphors are
present, which brings the piece down. There
are some grammatical/formatting errors that can be easily fixed – indentation for
dialogue, comma errors, etc. Also, I’m
not so sure if I like the ambiguity of the fact that we never find out what’s
actually wrong with her. We know she
needs a new kidney – but why? Overall, I
feel like this piece would be a lot stronger with more description and specific
details. What do these characters look
like physically? Instead of just talking
about the temporary break-up, show us a scene from that time.
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