Story Arc: Brandon is a gamer who is dating a fellow gamer, Sebastian, via the Internet. Brandon has lost touch with Sebastian for about a week, and all her friends and family keep telling her that he has moved on and that she shouldn't be dating someone over the Internet anyway. Finally, Sebastian gets in touch with Brandon and it's all been a big misunderstanding - ultimately, they are still in love and have a happy anniversary over the phone.
Compliments: Your attention to detail was really great - especially because you chose to highlight a lot of interesting details, like, "a hint of fruit from my sister taking her shower." I liked your use of the online chat in your prose, it mixed it up a bit and allowed for some extra characterization through the usernames. I definitely thought Brandon's emotions were very realistic - teenage/young adult girls totally freak out over lost communication like this and start having irrational thoughts! Overall, I felt like the dialogue was pretty realistic.
Revisions: While I love the online chatting that's incorporated, I think it needs to be more off-set from the rest of the text. Like, bold the usernames, put the conversation in a different font, indent more - something to make it really stand out as something different from normal dialogue. Mainly, I want to know more about this Brandon girl - is she a stereotypical gamer girl? Is she a girl you would never expect to have an online relationship? Why does she feel so compelled to have an online relationship, opposed to one in real-life/in person? Also, I'm not sure I see how Brandon's character changed - was it that she learned to have faith in people? To not listen to the opinions of others more than her own? Both?
Overall, well done!
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